Grace Over Grudges

How do we rise above and respond when someone offends us?

Overlooking offenses is one of the most perplexing challenges we wrestle with in this imperfect world. My family has wrestled with the deeply ingrained notion of “forgiving but not forgetting” for generations, resulting in a tapestry of broken relationships tangled in our inability to overlook past grievances.

When my parents embarked on their journey of marriage, they decided to live with my grandmother. As an only child, my mother welcomed this arrangement, believing it would foster a supportive environment. With both my parents working to make ends meet, my grandmother stepped in as caretaker, watching over us as we navigated our childhood. Yet as days turned into months and years, living together became a complicated web of strained interactions. The inability of my father and grandmother to overlook perceived offenses spiraled into a cycle of grudges that consumed them for over three decades, leaving an indelible mark on our home.

Growing up amidst such an atmosphere of tension and unspoken words was a daunting experience. My father and grandmother occupied the same space yet moved through life as if on opposite ends of a vast chasm, rarely exchanging words, and their silence weighed down the room. It was a somber existence, punctuated by moments of awkwardness and conflict that lingered long after the words had faded.

Recently, my husband and I joined one of our church’s small groups, which focused on “Keeping our thoughts captive.” The group’s goal is to help us uncover the root of our struggles and replace negative, hurtful thoughts with affirmations grounded in God’s truth. Identifying the undercurrents of our pain is crucial, especially when we find ourselves nursing wounds. In moments of hurt, we often unconsciously shield ourselves with the mantra, “I won’t let this person hurt me again,” leading to the construction of emotional walls—what we refer to as strongholds—that isolate not only the offenders but also anyone who crosses our path. My father and grandmother believed they were protecting one another, oblivious to the fact that their silence and unresolved tensions only fortified the walls that separated them over time.

The story told in 2 Samuel 13 poignantly illustrates this dynamic. Amnon, one of King David’s sons, committed a heinous act against his half-sister, Tamar. When Tamar confided in her brother Absalom, he advised her to remain quiet, saying, “Be quiet for now, my sister; he is your brother. Don’t take this thing to heart.” Sadly, this advice only deepened the wounds and festered in silence, transforming Absalom’s anger into a smoldering desire for revenge. He never confronted Amnon directly, yet beneath the surface, resentment brewed, ultimately culminating in tragedy.

From this account, we observe how Absalom’s choice to remain silent over such a grievous offense created a painful divide not only between him and Amnon but also fractured his relationship with their father, King David. The bitterness that brewed within him spiraled out of control, leading to an act of murder—a heartbreaking outcome borne of unresolved conflict.

God’s Word gently reminds us to be slow to anger, nurturing the virtues of patience, forgiveness, and compassion. These qualities stand in stark contrast to the impulses of vengeance and unforgiveness. There are moments when remaining silent in the face of provocation or walking away from an injustice can be a wise response, serving as a form of restraint more powerful than a hasty reaction.

This perspective doesn’t imply that we should remain passive in the face of wrongdoing or neglect to stand up for those who cannot defend themselves. God indeed calls us to pursue justice and act righteously. Aligning our hearts with His will is essential. Sometimes, God invites us to confidently pause and trust in His perfect ability to restore balance and justice. His compassion and grace hold the remarkable ability to heal wounds and dissolve long-held grudges.

This past week has been an enlightening journey for me as I’ve immersed myself in the significance of guarding my heart and capturing my thoughts. Through this process, I have unearthed profound insights that I feel compelled to share with you:

1. Start with Prayer: Begin this transformative journey by quieting your mind and turning your heart towards God. Invite Him into your thoughts and ask for His divine revelation. Remember, He understands the hidden strongholds within us—those deep-seated issues that we may not even recognize.
2. Genuine Repentance: After seeking His presence, come before the Lord with a heart yearning for repentance. Acknowledge any missteps or sins that weigh you down and sincerely seek His forgiveness, knowing that His mercy is endless and liberating.
3. Identify Negative Thoughts: Take a deliberate moment to pause and reflect. Please pay attention to the nagging negative thoughts that linger in your mind, and don’t shy away from tracing their origins. Understanding where these thoughts stem from past experiences and the emotions tied to them is vital to breaking their hold over your life.
4. Claim God’s Truth: As you engage in this introspection, invite the Holy Spirit to awaken your spirit to the unwavering truths of God. His Word stands as a powerful anchor against the tempests of doubts and fears that may arise within you.

To help turn those negative thoughts around, here are some everyday struggles many of us face, accompanied by powerful Scriptures that can serve as a balm for the soul. Feel free to read the Bible version you are most comfortable with.

Unforgiveness:

• “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32
• “For if you forgive others when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” Matthew 6:14
• “Bear with each other and forgive one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13

Low Self-Image:

• “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:13-14
• “So God created mankind in his own image…” Genesis 1:27
• “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.” Ephesians 1:4

Anger:

• “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” Proverbs 19:11
• “Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.” Proverbs 29:11

Fear and Anxiety:

• “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7
• “Cast your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

Sadness: 

• “The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.” Psalm 9:9
• “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

Loneliness and Anxiety:

“For I am sure that neither death nor life… will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39 

When negative thoughts begin to take root, it’s essential to proactively replace them with the Scripture that speaks directly to your heart and soul. Embrace your feelings rather than running from them; confront them with courage! Just as weeds can threaten the beauty of a cherished garden, negative thoughts can hinder your spiritual flourishing. Remember the profound truth of Jesus’ words in Luke 6:45: “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart.”

Beloved, let us extend to others the same grace that has been generously poured into our own lives by God. This practice isn’t always easy, but rest assured, God is faithfully by our side, guiding us along the way. Jesus reassures us in John 16:33: “I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace… But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Friends, let us cultivate a spirit of perseverance and nurture our hearts with His unwavering truth!

Let’s take a moment to pray together:

Precious Heavenly Father, thank You for Your unwavering love and grace that sustain me every day. You understand how challenging it can be to overlook offenses, especially when I feel vulnerable and hurt. Despite my imperfections, You gently steer me back towards Your love, reminding me of the gift of Your forgiveness and mercy. Help me, Abba, to let go of any rejection or pain I carry, ensuring they do not take root in my heart. Teach me to extend the same grace to others that You have shown me so abundantly. In Jesus’ precious name, I offer You my heartfelt gratitude, love, and praise. Amen.

Reference:

Scripture quotations taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.

Caporusso, C.  & Wolf, A. (2025). [Sunset]. [Photograph]. [Personal Collection]